Reflections of a Hospice Vet: What is the Pet Lover’s Code?

Mar 14

When I was in general practice, I remember seeing this wonderful colouring book for children called My Pet Died developed by Dr. Alan Wolfelt to help grieving children process the loss of a pet. However, it wasn’t until I began my career as a hospice veterinarian that I came to know more about this fabulous death educator and grief counsellor, Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss & Life Transition. In his book, When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering, and Healing, he shares The Pet Lover’s Code.

Ten Inalienable Rights After The Death of a Special Companion Animal

Though you should reach out to other as you journey through grief, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

Dr. Erica reads The Pet Lover’s Code by Dr. Alan Wolfelt

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

You have the right to grieve the death of a pet.
You loved you pet. You pet loved you. You had a strong and profound relationship. You have every right to grieve this death. You need to grieve this death. You also need to mourn this death (express your grief outside yourself).

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk about your grief. Other pet lovers who have experienced the death of a pet often make good listeners at this time. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a variety of emotions.

Confusion, anger, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey after the death of a pet. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

After the death of a pet, your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel like doing.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural.

6. You have the right to make use of ceremony.

After a pet dies, you can harness the power of ceremony to help you heal. Plan a ceremony that includes everyone who loved your pet.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

At times of loss, it is natural to turn to your faith or spirituality. Engaging your spirituality by attending church or other place or worship, praying, or spending time alone in nature may help you better understand and reconcile your loss.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did my pet die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Ask them anyway.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a special companion animal. Instead of ignoring your memories, find ways to capture them and treasure them always.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief after the death of your pet may not happen quickly. Remember, grief is best experienced in “doses”. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of a beloved companion animal changes your life forever.

Reflections of a Hospice Vet: What is the Pet Lover’s Code?

You have the right to grieve the death of a pet.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a variety of emotions.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

6. You have the right to make use of ceremony.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

See also Reflections from a Hospice Vet Blog: Journaling Through Pet Loss

See also Reflections from a Hospice Vet Blog: Writing a Memorial or Tribute for Your Pet

Reflections of a Hospice Vet: What is the Pet Lover’s Code?

You have the right to grieve the death of a pet.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a variety of emotions.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

6. You have the right to make use of ceremony.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

See also Reflections from a Hospice Vet Blog: Journaling Through Pet Loss

See also Reflections from a Hospice Vet Blog: Writing a Memorial or Tribute for Your Pet

Reflections of a Hospice Vet: Pet Aftercare Q&A Series; Part 1

Guest Blog: Opening My Heart Again After Pet Loss